Another weekend gone, another weekend spent watching NFL, the playoffs specifically(good games by the way), drinking guinness which is a not a bad thing and laying on the couch. I did leave the house a few times but just to get food. In other words I did nothing this weekend. And while to some that would be an ideal weekend, I found myself filling up with self-pity which turns into a circle that falls upon itself over and over. Its not as complicated as it sounds but i tend to overthink and that gets me into trouble. Truly, ignorance is bliss I say. For knowing too much really puts a burden on me that keeps growing as I get older. And by knowing too much I mean seeing my friends slowly one by one go away and knowing that I am probably to blame cause I got to the point where I do not put up with bullshit anymore and the older I get, more and more things are bullshit. I am tired of being the nice guy, it has got me nowhere but pain and being run over and manipulated.
I feel myself getting further and further away from my D&D group. Some of us have played together for almost 20 years. I always thought we would still be playing when we were in rest homes. So much of what they do just bothers me. I mean it did in the past but it bothers me more now. I don't surround myself with those type of people in my everyday life, why put up with it every 6 months. And they are good people, I just have become cynical and short on putting up with it all.
I see other friends going from relationship to relationship and here I am still alone. And yes, I am not trying anymore. I said as much in a previous post. I don't see how I can meet any dateable women where I am unless I use online dating sites but christ, the matches that are made on these sites, I just don't get it. And you get these women that say, I will respond if you write me, so I do and no response. At least in a bar, I can get a "talk to the hand" and they walk away. Do people even use that anymore, "talk to the hand?" Wow, I really don't get out much.
And a friend of mine got married in December, someone I said I would go to the wedding, but he never got back to me on when it was going to be. It does sound like it was a small thing, they didn't even have the reception yet. Its going to be next weekend. And I am happy for him, but dammit when is it going to be my turn? That does sound selfish but dammit I want it to be my turn.
Last week I tried to be positive with things it being all new year and all it didn't last long. So I am right back where I was in 2006.
Meet the new year, same as the old year.
It's not a good feeling but you know, I don't know any other way.
So nothing left to do but finish building the wall.
3 comments:
Right you, enough! youre getting a tough love one here ... if you dont wanna read it, turn away now.
firstly, go to the wedding reception this weekend, GO! force an invite, pretend youre me. weddings are brilliant places when u only know a few people and HAVE to make yourself mingle (do it!) or you know a load of people, and dance and go crazy together.
secondly, i do that - the whole overthink, ugly circle, gets me right back to where i started thang. i have to literally kick start my thinking to something different and make myself either shup up giving myself shit, or change something. (im a lazy SOB so i mainly stop giving myself the hard time, have to admit)
i also have noticed i dont take the same shit i used to from friends or in general as ive aged. but if anything, i have noticed i started taking shit again recently with a new group of friends (new way to meet people) ie dating site chatters/meetings and now its bloggers. i have to remind myself im not blogging to please anyone but myself, and to stop reading the blogs that bum me. maybe that relates to the D&D scene a bit (although, i cant claim 20 years!). i know a lot of the time i sound all 'i dont give a shit' but i really really do when folk let me down or say/do shit i cant respect.
so i think thats a positive thing u dont accept bullshit anymore, good on u, celebrate that J. now u just have to work out the balance of still being able to love and enjoy others, even with their (many!) faults. once every 6 months is not a big commitment in the scheme of our lifetimes. but it IS too often if these peop really do drain you, if its not that bad, then you have to search for what it was you used to love about them, or what it is you do enjoy about them now. Use it! Use them .. nice guy is no longer nice, but he is interesting and funny and clever and needs stimulation. search what it is you do get from a friend and insist on enjoying that part of them. if ur friends cant give u that, go out alone, imagine ure in a new country and make urself meet new friends.
more and more things/peop are bullshit as we age, but we're also more empowered to not take it, and to search for something differnt.
I also wanna say (jeesh, i shoulda emailed u, sorry) you dont even know whether folk still say 'talk to the hand' (which they dont, i try to, but im retro, oh yes, retro jerry springer quotes, im such a winner) so how do you know that women would say that to you. When was the last time you approached a girl you caught eyes with at a bar?
Now for the twee part ; this is the things i dont do but shd, what about a sport or a hobby or a class that allows you to meet women not in a bar, not at work?
Hope im not offending you with my toughish love, but i really think you are a special guy, I've been reading you for 8 mths now (?) and you dont really open up like you have this year, but i already knew you were clever, and interesting and ironic and funny and a good person. You gotta realise this, come on...get yourself out there, life is too short, none of those arses (anyone) matter anyway, so try and befriend/shag them!
Use your own clever introspective findings - you know the answers. Don't bow out. Fight it baby!
ok, if you turned away, you can turn back again, im done. phew. i just want you to share yourself with more people.
(next post i go back to telling you to cut your hair/beard, and you go back to telling me to mind me own)
As you can tell, got a lot on my mind. I have thought about taking a photography or cooking class, just need to find one or the other and see if it will fit into my schedule.
Yes, I have been more open. I want to better myself so got to start somewhere. I will think on what you have said, cannot promise I will do some of them. No way do I see myself crashing a wedding party, hehe but you never know.
You know, why does it take someone on the other side of the world to tell me like it is or how it can be? Thanks and I mean it.
cool, i was worried i overstepped. and now im re-reading, jeez ... i ramble!!!
definately start with the photog,. too many peop comment about them, too many of them i still recall despite not looking in a while. although cookery may have more women?
yay you and your new start, its exciting
xxx
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