In the past few days I have been an asshole to a few of my close friends. It is nothing they have done. I just needed time to think which can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. I think we all know that. Things have been very busy at work with a retirement of someone who as worked there for 36 years. He started there 4 months before I was even born. I hadn't had time to just go through things in my head.
Anyway...
What got me thinking was a question from someone on eharmony I have been in contact with. "what do you want in a relationship partner." I know now why I was having trouble answering that one; I am not ready for one if I ever will be. Basically I do not see myself trusting anyone again enough to get close to them. I am not putting all the blame on CW(my ex) but she is a lot of it. I look back on all my failed relationships and I see the common denominator and it is me. No way to know the whats, whys, hows etc. It just is. Counseling certainly sounds like an option. And I know I have said that before. Just not sure where to begin with that. And I am jealous of two of my close friends (both women) who are already seeing someone after both of their long time relationships ended. It doesn't make sense to me. Hell, one of them was married. Now I am not saying that it is wrong or a bad thing. One door closes, another opens and I am happy for both of them cause they are close friends. I just want to know when it is my turn? And the more I thought on it, I have had my turn(s) in the relationship world. I am cancelling eharmony once I hear back from that girl. I added at the end of the questions that I was cancelling and if she wanted to stay in contact here was my email. Do we really need eharmony to stay in contact? I didn't add that but I was thinking it. If she does, cool. If not, whatever. I am just tired of putting myself out there for no return. And the only way not to have that happen anymore is to not put myself out there anymore. I know, easy way out.
I hope this makes sense, it is 2:30am, and I cannot sleep (imagine that) and all this is going through my head and I thought I would get it down in a post before it all went away sometime between now and sunrise. So, there you go. Well, back to the sofa.
2 comments:
Oh Jonathan..
I have an idea of how you feel. I look back on my relationsips and it is super easy for me to say that they were all losers and jerks and assholes. But then I have to wonder..why was I attracted to losers...and were they really losers after all?
It sucks. I will say it does help to talk about it. My counseling experience didnt work out so well for me..but I think that it can. You just need to find someone that you can actually imagine yourself talking to.
If you need to talk about stuff shoot me an email. I dont know if I will give good advice..but Im a good listener.
Hope you got some sleep..
Anne - Thanks. I may take you up in that. :) I got a little sleep, but was up at 7 or so as if it was a work day. I had a couple of good counseling experiences back in the day(15-20 years ago) but I am hesitant to go now for some reason. Sometimes it is good to have someone listen.
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